Music and Me...

For those that know me well at all, you will know that music has always played a huge role in my life, ever since I was young. I still remember at age 6 when my heart broke because my mother who was probably tired from working late kicked my toy piano down the stairs and broke it because it was in her way. Anyway recent developments have me seriously contemplating music, its role in my life, and its role in my faith. On August 6, at 6pm I have an interview and audition for my current church to play/sing/lead with the praise and worship group. I am beyond nervous. To understand why I would have to take you back a bit. I started doing special music in church back when I was in my early teens. I loved doing it, but I would always be so nervous my hands would be literally shaking. Stage fright was horrible. But I would normally practice so much I would get through it just fine. It was definitely a sacrifice to God hecause I was a wreck before and afterward. (I'm not sure I ever told anyone that I felt that way). Anyhow around age 14 my minister asked me if I would be willing to play the piano through the whole service. I agreed, but did not practice enough. I was given the songs only a week prior to playing. I was nervous all over and did not have the practice to support/overcome the nervousness. It was horrible. I was so embarrassed, and for years I would only do special music after that. Then around 19 I remember I had gotten back into church with my friend Linc and he and I did special music together. (He had the best voice). Anyway they figured I could play and when a pianist didn't show they asked me to play (last minute thing). I should have said no but I agreed and it was UGLY. So I didn't play again (except for special music) for years. It actually increased my anxiety for playing in front of others.

Then when Tina and I moved to VA beach and they had a need for a choir director for Christmas I volunteered, and it worked out well. Very well. They asked me to lead music all the time. I had found a niche where I was not so nervous. This was always a more traditional type of hymn music to this point. When we moved to Indiana we joined a church that had praise and worship. It took me a few weeks to get used to not singing hymns. I'm not sure I liked it at first, but I grew to love it over time.

When we moved to Alabama, I joined the praise and worship band. I would play guitar, Bass, back-up keyboards, or run the sound boards. Where ever I was needed. It was during this time that I my nervousness in front of others began to fade. First I noticed that there was no hand shaking nervousness when I play guitar in front of others. Second, I found when I was in a group of musicians and the focus was not entirely up to me, it was great.

When we moved to Virginia, we were part of a new church plant. I took over the music immediately. They had been a traditional church and I introduced a blended music format(mostly praise with some old hymns thrown in). As the church grew and my experience grew my nervousness almost completely went away. I felt wonderful leading music and being in a position to bring others to the throne of God in worship. I just had a gifting from God for selecting music, and leading it in such a way that people would break down and cry, hearts would melt, and people would be truly in a place of worship. I praise God he gave me that opportunity. I always say he prepares the called sometimes instead of calling the prepared and this was definitely the case in my situation.

When we moved to Maryland, I tried to join the praise team at Mountain. First you must understand this was a church of 3000 members. Many very talented musicians were part of this group. I kinda felt like a hack next to some of them. My audition was not done in a manner I would have liked. I was given a date to show up, which I did and then sat down in front of music I had never seen and told to play it. Prior to my audition I had prayed to God that if he wanted to use me in this way to make it happen and if not I would be at peace with his will. The audition was pretty ugly and I was mentally back in the spot when I was a kid playing badly in front of the whole congregation. Needless to say the worship leader let me down softly and I found other area's to serve.

So now, I'm in a church of about 1300. They say they have a need for a praise leader and the desire of my heart is for God to use me again in this way. I kinda feel like Sampson chained between those two posts, blinded, and asking God to give me the strength (in my case the talent) to be used again by him for a mighty work. I have my audition on August 6, and I want to work on my solo audition piece until it is perfect. I want to praise God at the same time, but I really have some anxiety about this audition. I know God uses the weak things of this earth for his glory and I just pray that this is why he has made this feel like a weakness to me.

So now you know a little more about me, and about my (some would say) irrational fears. I don't think I've ever shared this with anyone except in this format. Just too hard to verbalize I guess.